Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Lying Quotes

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lying Quotes

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Anniversary Quotes

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms.

5 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Truth Quotes

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby 'it.'

5 years ago

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mom Quotes

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes

A modest ring at the bell at length allayed her fears, and Miss Benton, hurrying into her own room and shutting herself up, in order that she might preserve that appearance of being taken by surprise which is so essential to the polite reception of visitors, awaited their coming with a smiling countenance.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers.

5 years ago

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Tags : Maya Angelou Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

It's your money. You paid for it.

5 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Old age hath yet his honour and his toil.

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Tags : Alfred Lord Tennyson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Age Quotes

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Country Quotes

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes