Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Dog Quotes

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

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I think love is the most unbelievable, and critical, thing in civilization. Everything else is very mechanical and predictable, but love, you can't catch it.

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Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.

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MAGNITUDE, n. Size [that is] purely relative. If everything in the universe were increased 1,000 diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been.

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A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

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picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.

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Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it.

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Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.

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Kiss. n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss".

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PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.

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SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.

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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

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DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.

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MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter (see Molecule). The monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation - containing all the powers and possibilities needful to his evolution into a German philosopher . .

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PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

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LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate".

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Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.

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Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

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ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long.

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EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,' said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 'What!' interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating dinner in a drawing-room?' 'I must beg you to observe, monsieur,' explained the great gastronome, 'that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.'

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