Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Anniversary Quotes

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

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It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

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Least said is soon disavowed.

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RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, "Homo ventrambulans".

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REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

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The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.

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The covers of this book are too far apart.

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OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground.

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REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work upon a book, and so read out of it/ The qualities that you have first read into it.

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Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

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Phoenix, n. The classical prototype of the modern 'small hot bird.'

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Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.

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Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man. The pig is taught by sermons and epistles / To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.

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Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

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Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.

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RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.

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Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

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Philanthropist, n.: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

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IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.

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GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain-the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A.

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