Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Christian Quotes, Failure Quotes

GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Christian Quotes , Failure Quotes

Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

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MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.

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A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - to dislodge the worms.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Tree Quotes , Fruit Quotes

BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Etna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Block Quotes , Wine Quotes

A less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.

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predilection, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Disappointment Quotes , Stage Quotes

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Happiness Quotes , Smell Quotes

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Money Quotes

K, n. A consonant; originally precisely that of our H, but altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of [one of two lofty columns in] the great temple of Jarute.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Two Quotes , Shapes Quotes

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Country Quotes

The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain" - that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain" - that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Rain Quotes , Humility Quotes

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both - as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.

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To seek a justification for a decision already made.

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ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

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WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Christian Quotes , Character Quotes

Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Passion Quotes , Soul Quotes

Immoral" is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Lambs Quotes , Morality Quotes

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Inspiring Quotes , Success Quotes

OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an "old man". Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an "old" book.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Time Quotes , Book Quotes