Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Guilt Quotes, Hats Quotes

Aristocrats: n. fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts - guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.

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ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

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Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

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MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner.

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GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.

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WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.

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SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as... the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt.

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LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp."

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You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest.

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Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

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NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.

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Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

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Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.

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Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like.

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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

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While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor guide.

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LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

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PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

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IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.

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Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.

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