Adam Carolla Quotes, Funny Quotes, Nice Quotes

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nice Quotes

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , People Quotes , Laughing Quotes

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Annoyed Quotes , Time Travel Quotes

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Museums Quotes , Walking Quotes

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Emotional Quotes , Guy Quotes

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Mom Quotes , Kind Quotes

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Butterfly Quotes , Beer Quotes

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Joy Quotes

Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Atheist Quotes , Sex Quotes

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Sex Quotes , Men Quotes

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Pay Quotes , Taxes Quotes

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Feelings Quotes , Trying Quotes

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

5 years ago

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In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Nice Quotes , Dirty Quotes

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Practice Quotes , People Quotes

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

5 years ago

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There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Christian Quotes , Atheist Quotes

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Book Quotes , Comedian Quotes