Alan Coren Quotes, Today Quotes, Useless Quotes

The word "souvenir" has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.

5 years ago

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Today Quotes , Useless Quotes

A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.

5 years ago

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Morning Quotes , Rough Day Quotes

Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Dog Quotes , Shepherds Quotes

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Quotes , Fall Quotes

Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.

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10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , War Quotes , Bed Quotes

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Mean Quotes , Provocative Quotes

All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Bird Quotes , Sparrows Quotes

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Inspirational Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Should Have Quotes , Interesting Quotes

Disneyworld... is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin's, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan's. It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.

5 years ago

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Historical Quotes , Magic Quotes

English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit. ... Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds, kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden, English bohemians sit in cold orderly rows, like carrots.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Sweet Quotes , Flower Quotes

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Freedom Quotes , Thinking Quotes

Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.

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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Water Quotes , Age Quotes

Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic... being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Believe Quotes , Sweden Quotes

In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened, I know one boy who won't be sweating. I intend to raise my coffin-lid briskly, throw a few things into an overnight bag, and, whistling something appropriate, prepare to meet my Maker.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Strong Quotes , Men Quotes

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Beautiful Quotes , Yesterday Quotes

Sadly, as with so much about history's heroes, it's the spotting of potential fame that's the difficulty, whether it's publishing their poems, hanging their paintings, or buying their old underwear. Think of the great men whose lives passed in penury and hacking coughs due to public unawareness that their littlest possession would end up at Sothebys or the basement at Fort Knox.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Hero Quotes , Men Quotes