Alan Coren Quotes, Dog Quotes, Shepherds Quotes

Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Dog Quotes , Shepherds Quotes

To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Life Quotes , Purpose Quotes

There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Water Quotes , Age Quotes

Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Sea Quotes , Land Quotes

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Mean Quotes , Provocative Quotes

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Disneyworld... is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin's, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan's. It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Historical Quotes , Magic Quotes

A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Morning Quotes , Rough Day Quotes

Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.

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Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a "Wirtschaftswunder," which can be briefly translated as "The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one."

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , War Quotes , Way Quotes

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Freedom Quotes , Thinking Quotes

In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened, I know one boy who won't be sweating. I intend to raise my coffin-lid briskly, throw a few things into an overnight bag, and, whistling something appropriate, prepare to meet my Maker.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Strong Quotes , Men Quotes

Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.

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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Bird Quotes , Sparrows Quotes

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Quotes , Fall Quotes

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Should Have Quotes , Interesting Quotes

Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic... being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Believe Quotes , Sweden Quotes

The word "souvenir" has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Today Quotes , Useless Quotes

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Inspirational Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Beautiful Quotes , Yesterday Quotes