Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.

6 years ago

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Tags : Alan Ayckbourn Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had not returned that diamond, or led the club, or roughed the spade, or finessed the heart, or led through the honour, or brought out the ace, or played up to the king, or some such thing; and in reply to all these grave charges, Mr. Pickwick would be wholly unable to plead any justification whatever, having by this time forgotten all about the game.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kings Quotes

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

5 years ago

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Tags : Anton Chekhov Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

5 years ago

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Tags : Rudyard Kipling Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

"Next," said Mrs Wilfer with a wave of her gloves, expressive of abdication under protest from the culinary throne, "I would recommend examination of the bacon in the saucepan on the fire, and also of the potatoes by the application of a fork. Preparation of the greens will further become necessary if you persist in this unseemly demeanour."

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

5 years ago

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

He would make a lovely corpse.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes

He is like a female llama surprised in her bath.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Book Quotes

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

5 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.

5 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Book Quotes

I buy expensive suits - they just look cheap on me.

5 years ago

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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes