Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Home Quotes

Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

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Tags : Victor Hugo Quotes , Funny Quotes , Horse Quotes

It's better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you'll drift in that direction.

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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Husband Quotes

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

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Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.

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Tags : Adlai E. Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Journalism Quotes

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She don't like me."

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

... I had a latent impression that there was something decidedly fine in Mr. Wopsle's elocution - not for old associations' sake, I am afraid, but because it was very slow, very dreary, very up-hill and down-hill, and very unlike any way in which any man in any natural circumstances of life or death ever expressed himself about anything.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

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Tags : Carl Sagan Quotes , Funny Quotes , Brother Quotes

I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Husband Quotes

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

I buy expensive suits - they just look cheap on me.

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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Monsieur l'abbé, I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write.

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!

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Tags : Alan Carr Quotes , Funny Quotes , Gay Quotes