Oscar Wilde Quotes, Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Running Quotes

Only the shallow know themselves.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupid Quotes

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Religious Quotes

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beauty Quotes

I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Business Quotes

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.

5 years ago

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Tags : Francis Bacon Quotes , Funny Quotes , Family Quotes

You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Mrs. Boffin, insisting that Bella should make tomorrow's expedition in the chariot, she went home in great grandeur. Mrs. Wilfer and Miss Lavinia had speculated much on the probabilities and improbabilities of her coming in this gorgeous state, and, on beholding the chariot from the window at which they were secreted to look out for it, agreed that it must be detained at the door as long as possible, for the mortification and confusion of the neighbours.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day together, - running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Running Quotes

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Science Quotes

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sister Quotes