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Funny Quotes 957
- Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lying Quotes
- The last thing one discovers in composing a work is what to put first.
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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Funny Quotes , Work Quotes
- He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.
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Tags : Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mother Quotes
- Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happy Birthday Quotes
- Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Cat Quotes
- I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- You can't imagine what a pleasure this complete laziness is to me: not a thought in my brain- you might send a ball rolling through it!
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Tags : Leo Tolstoy Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sloth Quotes
- A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Father Quotes
- I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.
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Tags : Walt Whitman Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beautiful Quotes
- A minister of state is excusable for the harm he does when the helm of government has forced his hand in a storm; but in the calm he is guilty of all the good he does not do.
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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes