Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Anniversary Quotes

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Anniversary Quotes

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

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Tags : Abraham Lincoln Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.

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Tags : Al Unser Quotes , Funny Quotes , Family Quotes

Those who love not their fellow-beings live unfruitful lives, and prepare for their old age a miserable grave.

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Tags : Percy Bysshe Shelley Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kindness Quotes

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Success Quotes

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Tags : Confucius Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Your next-door neighbor is not a man; he is an environment. He is the barking of a dog; he is the noise of a piano; he is a dispute about a party wall; he is drains that are worse than yours, or roses that are better than yours.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.

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Tags : Woodrow Wilson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sorry Quotes

Dombey and Son had often dealt in hides, but never in hearts. They left that fancy ware to boys and girls, and boarding-schools and books. Mr. Dombey would have reasoned: That a matrimonial alliance with himself must, in the nature of things, be gratifying and honourable to any woman of common sense. That the hope of giving birth to a new partner in such a house, could not fail to awaken a glorious and stirring ambition in the breast of the least ambitious of her sex.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Moving Quotes

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without other people hearing what one says.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes

My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

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Tags : John Donne Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.

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Tags : Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes