Charles Dickens Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , People Quotes

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lonely Quotes

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes

He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.

5 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Schopenhauer Quotes , Funny Quotes , Writing Quotes

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

May God defend me from my friends: I can defend myself from my enemies.

5 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

Who is this Baby Ruth? And what does she do?

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Baseball Quotes

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

No sane man will dance.

5 years ago

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Tags : Marcus Tullius Cicero Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Law Quotes

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Funny Quotes , Peace Quotes

Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer...? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christmas Quotes

The last thing one discovers in composing a work is what to put first.

5 years ago

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Funny Quotes , Work Quotes

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

5 years ago

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Tags : Saint Augustine Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kings Quotes

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

5 years ago

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes