Ambrose Bierce Quotes, House Quotes, Next Quotes

REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

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actually, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

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PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope.

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GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.

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Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

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To seek a justification for a decision already made.

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Miss, n. A title which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

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OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.

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Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

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LUMINARY, One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.

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Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

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ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

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Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery.

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A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

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GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

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IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

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An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.

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A modern school where football is taught.

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Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.

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Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.

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