Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Greed Quotes, Tariffs Quotes

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

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Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

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VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

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Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

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Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

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Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

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THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science.

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Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

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Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

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CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.

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PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.

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PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.

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DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

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COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

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DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it.

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RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian fable - omnipotent on condition that it do nothing.

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ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection.

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ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke.

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You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.

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