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Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Ambrose Bierce Quotes 976
- Brain: an apparatus with which we think that we think. Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.
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- Learning -the kind of ignorance affected by (and affecting) civilized races, as distinguished from ignorance, the sort of learning incurred by savages. See nonsense.
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- SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death.
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- Quill: An instrument of torture yielded by a goose and commonly weilded by as ass.
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- RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.
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- Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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- OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
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- Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
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- GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These [quills] when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling.
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- Insurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
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- JESTER, n. An officer attached to the king's household to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances . . . the king's own conduct and decrees [being] sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind.
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- Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
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- PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.
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- An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
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- FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life.
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- ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though Horizontalists hold that the posture of the body was immaterial.
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- WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.
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- A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - to dislodge the worms.
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- Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
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- Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.
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