Ambrose Bierce Quotes

NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.

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ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

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Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered.

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UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only.

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Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

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Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

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Miss, n. A title which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

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INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache.

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WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.

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WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.

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Doubt is the father of invention.

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KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.

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Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized.

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An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured on his lips to revive him.

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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

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FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London

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Insurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.

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Achievement; the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

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UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.

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REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

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