Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Filters Quotes, Noses Quotes

RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

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They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.

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LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp."

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Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.

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Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

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Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil.

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Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized.

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There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.

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ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.

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INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

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MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter (see Molecule). The monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation - containing all the powers and possibilities needful to his evolution into a German philosopher . .

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MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition.

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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

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MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

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art, n. This word has no definition.

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APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider

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NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.

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There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.

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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

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MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to the development of our language.

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