Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Party Quotes, Grandmother Quotes

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

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FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

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Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.

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PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who [was] not permitted to sing psalms through his nose [in Europe], followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience.

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PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

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FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

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Alligator: The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.

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MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

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REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

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Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

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SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks.

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PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.

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FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life.

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BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Etna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

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RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

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SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.

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RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass.

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Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind of infidelity.

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Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral.

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Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.

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