Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Time Quotes, Nature Quotes

PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plague today . . . is merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Time Quotes , Nature Quotes

ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though Horizontalists hold that the posture of the body was immaterial.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Men Quotes , Heaven Quotes

Good-bye -- if you hear of my being stood up against a stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a pretty good way to depart this life. It beats old age, disease or falling down the cellar stairs.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Wall Quotes , Fall Quotes

PICKANINNY, n. The young of the "Procyanthropos", or "Americanus dominans". It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.

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Learning -the kind of ignorance affected by (and affecting) civilized races, as distinguished from ignorance, the sort of learning incurred by savages. See nonsense.

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PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Politics Quotes , Lectures Quotes

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines, who believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. Herod of Judea, all the famous soldiers have been practical exponents of the Malthusian idea.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Talking Quotes , Ideas Quotes

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Clever Quotes , Philistines Quotes

WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Tyrants Quotes , Weakness Quotes

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Determination Quotes , Heart Quotes

ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Character Quotes , Italian Quotes

SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.

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War: A by-product of the arts of peace.

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predicament, n. The wage of consistency.

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ZEUS /n./ The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Dog Quotes , Gold Quotes

Nonsense, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Nonsense Quotes , Excellent Quotes

Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.

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Behavior, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.

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actually, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

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Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happiness Quotes