Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Dying Quotes, Finals Quotes

Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.

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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

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FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.

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MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.

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Behavior, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.

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Evolutionary biology is genuinely scientific, but more than that it opens the door to a world more marvellous than any Christian fundamentalist has ever read into the pages of the Bible.

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An aged Burgundy runs with a beardless Port. I cherish the fancy that Port speaks sentences of wisdom, Burgundy sings the inspired Ode.

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LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.

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TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

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BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

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History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

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A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul.

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A pessimist asked God for relief. Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness, said God. No, replied the petitioner, I wish you to create something that would justify them. The world is all created,said God, but you have overlooked something

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Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

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INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.

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Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.

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Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.

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Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

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LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate".

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Nature Quotes , Bird Quotes