Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Liars Quotes, Roving Quotes

Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.

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Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine.

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DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.

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Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

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MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition.

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ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

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NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

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TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.

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Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

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VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit.

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Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

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One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.

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A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.

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PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.

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PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

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Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

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MARTYR, One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.

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QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

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Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

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MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.

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