Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Sports Quotes, Football Quotes

A modern school where football is taught.

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GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

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Woman absent is woman dead.

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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

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Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

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What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.

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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.

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GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

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Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

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Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

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An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.

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IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.

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Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

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PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.

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pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection.

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PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy.

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Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

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Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.

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Hail, high Excess especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free, Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. Ungrateful he who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar!

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Here's to woman! Would that we could fold into her arms without falling into her hands.

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