Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Dog Quotes, Doe Quotes

CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance - against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance.

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FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith.

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TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.

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ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination . . .

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I think love is the most unbelievable, and critical, thing in civilization. Everything else is very mechanical and predictable, but love, you can't catch it.

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picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.

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HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.

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God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.

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Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.

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The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.

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Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

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Congratulations is the civility of envy.

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A less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.

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LIAR, n. One who tells an unpleasant truth.

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To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

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PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy.

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Theology is a thing of unreason altogether, an edifice of assumptions and dreams, a superstructure without a substructure

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RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded.

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An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured on his lips to revive him.

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Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Religious Quotes , Food Quotes