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Funny Quotes 957
- Books are totally useless unless you take their advice. If you just keep reading them, thinking "that's so insightful! that changes everything," but never actually doing anything different, then pretty quickly the feeling will wear off and you'll start searching for another book to fill the void.
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Tags : Aaron Swartz Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.
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Tags : Alice Walker Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nice Quotes
- I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- Many readers judge of the power of a book by the shock it gives their feelings - as some savage tribes determine the power of muskets by their recoil; that being considered best which fairly prostrates the purchaser.
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Tags : Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Quotes , Funny Quotes , Reading Quotes
- On how to make the game more exciting - Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the centre jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns.
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Tags : Al McGuire Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
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Tags : Leo Tolstoy Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.
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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , America Quotes
- When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes
- I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends.
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Tags : Addison Mizner Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Absence - that common cure of love.
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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kitchen Quotes
- Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes
- There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mother Quotes
- The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sister Quotes