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Funny Quotes 957
- Our civilization has decided that determining the guilt or innocence of men is a thing too important to be trusted to trained men. When it wants a library catalogued, or the solar system discovered, or any trifle of that kind, it uses up its specialists. But when it wishes anything done which is really serious, it collects twelve of the ordinary men standing round. The same thing was done, if I remember right, by the Founder of Christianity.
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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Let us work without theorizing, tis the only way to make life endurable.
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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Clever Quotes
- Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes
- History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
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Tags : Abba Eban Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Funny Quotes , Inspiration Quotes
- A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Inspirational Life Quotes
- Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer...? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christmas Quotes
- A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.
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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beautiful Quotes
- For the journalist, anything probable is gospel truth.
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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Journalism Quotes
- ... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.
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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Blue Quotes
- Young men want to be faithful, and are not. Old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Military Quotes
- Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lying Quotes
- The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Inspiration Quotes