Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Happiness Quotes

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happiness Quotes

He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christian Quotes

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

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Tags : Abraham Lincoln Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking classes.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Drinking Quotes

A woman is always buying something.

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Tags : Ovid Quotes , Funny Quotes , Buying Something Quotes

As I approve of a youth that has something of the old man in him, so I am no less pleased with an old man that has something of the youth. He that follows this rule may be old in body, but can never be so in mind.

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Tags : Marcus Tullius Cicero Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that.

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hockey Quotes

On summer evenings, when every flower, and tree, and bird, might have better addressed my soft young heart, I have in my day been caught in the palm of a female hand by the crown, have been violently scrubbed from the neck to the roots of the hair as a purification for the Temple, and have then been carried off highly charged with saponaceous electricity, to be steamed like a potato in the unventilated breath of the powerful Boanerges Boiler and his congregation, until what small mind I had, was quite steamed out of me

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Summer Quotes

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Novelists Quotes

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

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Tags : F. Scott Fitzgerald Quotes , Funny Quotes , New Year Quotes

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

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Tags : Muhammad Ali Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beauty Quotes

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

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Tags : Abraham Lincoln Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes