Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.

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Tags : Virginia Woolf Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms.

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking classes.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Drinking Quotes

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Trust Quotes

Were kisses all the joys in bed, One woman would another wed.

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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.

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Tags : Alice Walker Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

When the ax came into the forest the trees said the handle is one of us.

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Tags : Alice Walker Quotes , Funny Quotes , Tree Quotes

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

But you shall not escape my iambics.

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Tags : Catullus Quotes , Funny Quotes

I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Blue Quotes

Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" - which is but a matter of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Pull all your eggs in the one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET." - Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wise Quotes

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Drinking Quotes

Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

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Tags : Barack Obama Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

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Tags : John Donne Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sex Quotes

So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.

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Tags : Al Yankovic Quotes , Funny Quotes , Writing Quotes