George Bernard Shaw Quotes, Funny Quotes, Money Quotes

The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others.

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Tags : Confucius Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.

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Tags : Adlai E. Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Journalism Quotes

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

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Tags : A. E. Housman Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I think war is a dangerous place.

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Peace Quotes

" ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute."

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lonely Quotes

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes

"Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian church, and got herself named Peggotty?"

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christian Quotes

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

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Tags : Anton Chekhov Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , True Friend Quotes

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes