Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Death Quotes, Suicide Quotes

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Death Quotes , Suicide Quotes

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

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Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Christian Quotes , Cheating Quotes

Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

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ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.

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INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Hands Quotes , Injustice Quotes

LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Revenge Quotes , Mature Quotes

K, n. A consonant; originally precisely that of our H, but altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of [one of two lofty columns in] the great temple of Jarute.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Two Quotes , Shapes Quotes

You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap!

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Years Quotes , Leeches Quotes

Self-restraint is indulgence of the propensity to forgo.

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GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted.

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Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.

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CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Lying Quotes , Writing Quotes

JOSS-STICKS- Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Chinese Quotes , Religion Quotes

IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.

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BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.

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OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground.

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The sum of religion, says Pythagoras, is to be like him thou worshipest. Had Pythagoras lived in our day he would have seen his mistake. The sum of modern religion is to make him thou worshipest like unto thyself.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Mistake Quotes , Modern Quotes

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Faith Quotes , Science Quotes

Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Change Quotes , Art Quotes