Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Mad Quotes

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

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Botany, n. The science of vegetables - those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Flower Quotes , Color Quotes

RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.

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PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.

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Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

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Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

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EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

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TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

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LUMINARY, One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.

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SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Giving Quotes , Peculiar Quotes

Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.

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APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," 1697

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Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

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FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.

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MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

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EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Time Quotes , Power Quotes

LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Son Quotes , Men Quotes

OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Food Quotes , Men Quotes