Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Wise Quotes

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wise Quotes

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lying Quotes

Many readers judge of the power of a book by the shock it gives their feelings - as some savage tribes determine the power of muskets by their recoil; that being considered best which fairly prostrates the purchaser.

5 years ago

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Tags : Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Quotes , Funny Quotes , Reading Quotes

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Anniversary Quotes

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

5 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Men Quotes

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sex Quotes

Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Respect Quotes

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adi Da Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.

5 years ago

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happiness Quotes

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

5 years ago

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Tags : Muhammad Ali Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sports Quotes

Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.

6 years ago

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Tags : A. J. Liebling Quotes , Funny Quotes , Media Control Quotes

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Young men want to be faithful, and are not. Old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes