Adam Ferrara Quotes, Funny Quotes, Girl Quotes

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes

Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

4 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Respect Quotes

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.

5 years ago

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Tags : A. J. Liebling Quotes , Funny Quotes , Media Control Quotes

It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

For the journalist, anything probable is gospel truth.

4 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Journalism Quotes

Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Forever Quotes

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

5 years ago

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Tags : Margaret Thatcher Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Fifteen referees. I want fifteen referees to be at this fight because there ain't no one man who can keep up with the pace I'm gonna set except me. There's not a man alive who can whup me. I'm too fast. I'm too smart. I'm too pretty. I should be a postage stamp. That's the only way I'll ever get licked.

4 years ago

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Tags : Muhammad Ali Quotes , Funny Quotes , Smart Quotes

If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

4 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Religion Quotes

A good scare is worth more than good advice.

4 years ago

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Tags : Horace Quotes , Funny Quotes , Advice Quotes

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

As I approve of a youth that has something of the old man in him, so I am no less pleased with an old man that has something of the youth. He that follows this rule may be old in body, but can never be so in mind.

5 years ago

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Tags : Marcus Tullius Cicero Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes