Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Smoking Quotes

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Smoking Quotes

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Trust Quotes

It is no harm to be an ass, if one is content to bray and not kick.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"Well," said my aunt, "this is his boy - his son. He would be as like his father as it's possible to be, if he was not so like his mother, too."

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mother Quotes

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

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Tags : Victor Hugo Quotes , Funny Quotes , Horse Quotes

I have insecurities of course, but I don't hang out with anyone who points them out to me.

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Tags : Adele Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hater Quotes

Everyone who has ever built anywhere a "new heaven" first found the power thereto in his own hell.

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Tags : Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes , Funny Quotes , Government Quotes

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

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Tags : Muhammad Ali Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beauty Quotes

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Years Quotes

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Anniversary Quotes

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.

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Tags : Alfred Lord Tennyson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Women Quotes

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happy Birthday Quotes