Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Eye Quotes, Science Quotes

ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear.

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RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.

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Indigestion: A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the Western Wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: 'Plenty well, no pray; big belly ache, heap God.'

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The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

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PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it.

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LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

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Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it a numerical presumption.

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OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground.

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AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

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I think I think, therefore I think I am.

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You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.

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Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.

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NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

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PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

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They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.

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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.

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PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. . . . not be confused with that of foreordination. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore.

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Worms'-Meat, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the foreknown futility.

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