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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes
- If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the name of Sloppy. The footman who communicated this intelligence made a decent pause before uttering the name, to express that it was forced on his reluctance by the youth in question, and that if the youth had had the good sense and good taste to inherit some other name it would have spared the feelings of him the bearer.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Morning Quotes
- The great commander, who seemed by expression of his visage to be always on the look-out for something in the extremest distance, and to have no ocular knowledge of anything within ten miles, made no reply whatever.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Distance Quotes
- NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.
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Tags : Woodrow Wilson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sorry Quotes
- In particular, there was a butler in a blue coat and bright buttons, who gave quite a winey flavour to the table beer; he poured it out so superbly.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes
- Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.
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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happiness Quotes
- Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes
- Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- ... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games.
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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sports Quotes
- I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girlfriend Quotes
- I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Funny Quotes , Family Quotes
- Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.
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Tags : Confucius Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes