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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down... Why do we laugh? Because it is a grave religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.
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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Religious Quotes
- Riches are for spending.
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Tags : Francis Bacon Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes
- Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Respect Quotes
- Never confuse movement with action.
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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- You can't imagine what a pleasure this complete laziness is to me: not a thought in my brain- you might send a ball rolling through it!
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Tags : Leo Tolstoy Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sloth Quotes
- To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.
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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes
- There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mother Quotes
- "She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She don't like me."
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes
- Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christmas Quotes
- Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games.
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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sports Quotes
- Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- This may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about.. when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.
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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Birthday Quotes
- I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes