Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sex Quotes

There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mother Quotes

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christian Quotes

Democracy is an awful way to run a country, but it's the best system we have.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Country Quotes

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down... Why do we laugh? Because it is a grave religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Religious Quotes

It's your money. You paid for it.

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Dead birds don't fall out of their nests.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Fall Quotes

Knowledge is invariably a matter of degree: you cannot put your finger upon even the simplest datum and say this we know.

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

This may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about.. when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.

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Tags : Virginia Woolf Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes