Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, America Quotes

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , America Quotes

Our civilization has decided that determining the guilt or innocence of men is a thing too important to be trusted to trained men. When it wants a library catalogued, or the solar system discovered, or any trifle of that kind, it uses up its specialists. But when it wishes anything done which is really serious, it collects twelve of the ordinary men standing round. The same thing was done, if I remember right, by the Founder of Christianity.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

My best training came from my father.

5 years ago

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Tags : Woodrow Wilson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dad Quotes

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

5 years ago

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Tags : Rudyard Kipling Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

5 years ago

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Tags : Saint Augustine Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

May God defend me from my friends: I can defend myself from my enemies.

5 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

But the peasants - how do the peasants die?

5 years ago

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Tags : Leo Tolstoy Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Cat Quotes

To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.

5 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

5 years ago

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Tags : Bob Marley Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

A woman is always buying something.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ovid Quotes , Funny Quotes , Buying Something Quotes

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Sanity is very rare; every man almost and every woman has a dash of madness.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Men Quotes

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Baby Quotes

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes