Mark Twain Quotes, Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mind Quotes

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupid Quotes

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.

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Tags : Alexander Pope Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

When one has not had a good father, one must create one.

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Tags : Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dad Quotes

General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Military Quotes

A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it.

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wire Quotes

Man is but mortal: and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back and-we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat-he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him;.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Running Quotes

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

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Tags : H. G. Wells Quotes , Funny Quotes , Cycling Quotes

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well.

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Tags : Margaret Thatcher Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.

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Tags : Virginia Woolf Quotes , Funny Quotes , Art Quotes