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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Inspiration Quotes
- I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes
- If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
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Tags : Abraham Lincoln Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes
- What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
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Tags : Anton Chekhov Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking classes.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Drinking Quotes
- When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary.
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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes
- Who is this Baby Ruth? And what does she do?
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Baseball Quotes
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes
- Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog, he began to bite them.
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Tags : Robert Louis Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes
- He would make a lovely corpse.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes
- Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made up his mind to burst. Regardless of whispers and shakes, he swells and becomes discoloured, and yet again swells and becomes discoloured, until the aunt can bear it no longer, but leads him out, with no visible neck, and with his eyes going before him like a prawn's.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Revenge Quotes
- The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Travel Quotes
- If so many men, so many minds, certainly so many hearts, so many kinds of love.
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Tags : Leo Tolstoy Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes