Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Life Quotes

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Cute Quotes

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A minister of state is excusable for the harm he does when the helm of government has forced his hand in a storm; but in the calm he is guilty of all the good he does not do.

5 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , People Quotes

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Funny Quotes , Family Quotes

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hope Quotes

When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary.

5 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Truth Quotes

The funniest things are the forbidden.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes