Adam Carolla Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of violence and vagabondism; for in ancient days those two amusements, combining a wholesome excitement with a promising means of repairing shattered fortunes, were at once the ennobling pursuit and the healthful recreation of the Quality of this land.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

5 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Peace Quotes

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Truth Quotes

People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbors.

5 years ago

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Tags : Francis Bacon Quotes , Funny Quotes , People Quotes

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

In the majority of cases, conscience is an elastic and very flexible article

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wisdom Quotes

"The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned..."

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christmas Quotes

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mother Quotes

I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not mildly, but will all my heart. To me an opera is the very climax & cap-stone of the absurd, the fantastic the unjustifiable. I hate the very name of opera - partly because of the nights of suffering I have endured in its presence, & partly because I want to love it and can't.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hate Quotes