Albert Einstein Quotes, Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nice Quotes

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.

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Tags : Virginia Woolf Quotes , Funny Quotes , Art Quotes

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.

6 years ago

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Tags : A. J. Liebling Quotes , Funny Quotes , Media Control Quotes

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Jesus Quotes

Let me see you ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders, I'll knock your bonnet off, and tread upon it!

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"Vell," said Mr. Weller, "Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p'raps to prove a alleybi. I've been a turnin' the bis'ness over in my mind, and he may make his-self easy, Sammy. I've got some friends as'll do either for him, but my adwice 'ud be this here-never mind the character, and stick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing."

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" - which is but a matter of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Pull all your eggs in the one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET." - Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wise Quotes

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

5 years ago

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Tags : Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oprah Winfrey Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.

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Tags : Robert Louis Stevenson Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

5 years ago

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Tags : Francis Bacon Quotes , Funny Quotes , Laughter Quotes

You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

5 years ago

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Tags : Barack Obama Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wisdom Quotes

On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mind Quotes