Mark Twain Quotes, Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nice Quotes

Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer...? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christmas Quotes

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Senior Quotes

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.

5 years ago

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happiness Quotes

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

5 years ago

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Tags : Walt Whitman Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

Most people's major life changes don't come from reading an article in the newspaper; they come from reading longer-form essays or thoughtful books, which are much more convincing and detailed.

6 years ago

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Tags : Aaron Swartz Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.

6 years ago

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Tags : Al Yankovic Quotes , Funny Quotes , Writing Quotes

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.

5 years ago

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Bible Quotes

May God defend me from my friends: I can defend myself from my enemies.

5 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

6 years ago

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Tags : Abraham Lincoln Quotes , Funny Quotes , Success Quotes

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wisdom Quotes

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happy Birthday Quotes

Life is as tedious as twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

5 years ago

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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beauty Quotes

No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes