Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

The funniest things are the forbidden.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Mr. and Mrs. Boffin sat staring at mid-air, and Mrs. Wilfer sat silently giving them to understand that every breath she drew required to be drawn with a self-denial rarely paralleled in history.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest

4 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

4 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Tell the cook of this restaurant with my compliments that these are the very worst sandwiches in the whole world, and that, when I ask for a watercress sandwich, I do not mean a loaf with a field in the middle of it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Motivational Quotes

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.

5 years ago

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Tags : Alan Carr Quotes , Funny Quotes , Teeth Quotes

However, it is always nice to be expected, and not to arrive.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adlai E. Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friends Quotes

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupid Quotes

What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

What is wrong with the prosaic Englishman is what is wrong with the prosaic men of all countries: stupidity.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Country Quotes

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Dombey sat in the corner of the darkened room in the great arm-chair by the bedside, and Son lay tucked up warm in a little basket bedstead, carefully disposed on a low settee immediately in front of the fire and close to it, as if his constitution were analogous to that of a muffin, and it was essential to toast him brown while he was very new.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes