Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Jail Quotes

The only time to buy these is on a day with no 'y' in it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.

5 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adlai E. Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

However, it is always nice to be expected, and not to arrive.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beautiful Quotes

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Change Quotes

You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

5 years ago

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Tags : Barack Obama Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mother Quotes

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lonely Quotes