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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Inspiration Quotes
- Tell the cook of this restaurant with my compliments that these are the very worst sandwiches in the whole world, and that, when I ask for a watercress sandwich, I do not mean a loaf with a field in the middle of it.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lonely Quotes
- What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Country Quotes
- It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes
- God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.
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Tags : Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- For the journalist, anything probable is gospel truth.
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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Journalism Quotes
- You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupid Quotes