Mark Twain Quotes, Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

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Tags : Alan Carr Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes

Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog, he began to bite them.

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Tags : Robert Louis Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

True, a little learning is a dangerous thing, but it still beats total ignorance.

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Tags : Abigail Van Buren Quotes , Funny Quotes , Education Quotes

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

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Tags : Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sports Quotes

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

He said he didn't very well understand how George was going to sleep any more than he did now, seeing that there were only twenty-four hours in each day.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

"Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head. "My own spirits is not equal to it, but I don't owe it any grudge. I envys them that is so blest!"

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

A book is made from a tree. It is an assemblage of flat, flexible parts (still called "leaves") imprinted with dark pigmented squiggles. One glance at it and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, the author is speaking, clearly and silently, inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people, citizens of distant epochs, who never knew one another. Books break the shackles of time ― proof that humans can work magic.

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Tags : Carl Sagan Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Baby Quotes

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happiness Quotes

All knives and forks were working away at a rate that was quite alarming; very few words were spoken; and everybody seemed to eat his utmost, in self defence, as if a famine were expected to set in before breakfast-time to-morrow morning, and it had become high time to assert the first law of nature.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Morning Quotes