Saint Augustine Quotes, Funny Quotes, Witty Quotes

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

5 years ago

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Tags : Saint Augustine Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

His wardrobe was extensive-very extensive-not strictly classical perhaps, not quite new, nor did it contain any one garment made precisely after the fashion of any age or time, but everything was more or less spangled; and what can be prettier than spangles!

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Fashion Quotes

The Cardinal is at his wit's end - it is true that he had not far to go.

5 years ago

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupidity Quotes

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Math Quotes

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Riches are for spending.

5 years ago

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Tags : Francis Bacon Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wisdom Quotes

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.

5 years ago

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Tags : Alfred Lord Tennyson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Women Quotes

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

5 years ago

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Tags : Victor Hugo Quotes , Funny Quotes , Horse Quotes

I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hockey Quotes

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Change Quotes

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Integrity Quotes

He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.

5 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

Many readers judge of the power of a book by the shock it gives their feelings - as some savage tribes determine the power of muskets by their recoil; that being considered best which fairly prostrates the purchaser.

5 years ago

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Tags : Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Quotes , Funny Quotes , Reading Quotes