Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wisdom Quotes

I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.

5 years ago

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Tags : A. A. Gill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beach Quotes

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Funny Quotes , Motivational Quotes

The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Running Quotes

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: he is always convinced that it says what he means.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

4 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupid Quotes

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

4 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

4 years ago

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Tags : Hector Hugh Munro Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Military Quotes

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

4 years ago

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Tags : Bob Marley Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

4 years ago

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Tags : Victor Hugo Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?

4 years ago

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Tags : Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes

I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not mildly, but will all my heart. To me an opera is the very climax & cap-stone of the absurd, the fantastic the unjustifiable. I hate the very name of opera - partly because of the nights of suffering I have endured in its presence, & partly because I want to love it and can't.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hate Quotes

Knowledge is invariably a matter of degree: you cannot put your finger upon even the simplest datum and say this we know.

4 years ago

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right.

4 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupid Quotes