George Bernard Shaw Quotes, Funny Quotes, Father Quotes

My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Father Quotes

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , People Quotes

A joke is a very serious thing.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Appreciation Quotes

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lonely Quotes

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

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Tags : Abraham Lincoln Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.

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Tags : Al Yankovic Quotes , Funny Quotes , Writing Quotes

Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them?

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

May God defend me from my friends: I can defend myself from my enemies.

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

Avoid all needle drugs, the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.

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Tags : Abbie Hoffman Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dope Quotes

The only time to buy these is on a day with no 'y' in it.

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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

"Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir," replied the little gentleman. "Harsh word, my dear sir, very harsh word indeed. It's a legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more."

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

At fifteen, my mind was bent on learning. At thirty, I stood firm. At forty, I had no doubts. At fifty, I knew the decrees of Heaven. At sixty, my ear was receptive to truth. At seventy, I could follow my heart's desires without sin.

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Tags : Confucius Quotes , Funny Quotes , Birthday Quotes

We were together. I forget the rest.

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Tags : Walt Whitman Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that.

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hockey Quotes

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Inspirational Life Quotes