Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Work Quotes

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Work Quotes

The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

"Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting."

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5 years ago

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Tags : Al McGuire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

4 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hockey Quotes

The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Senior Quotes

... As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.

4 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

If you cry ''Forward'' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions?

5 years ago

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Tags : Anton Chekhov Quotes , Funny Quotes , Failure Quotes

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.

5 years ago

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Tags : Agnes Repplier Quotes , Funny Quotes , Patience Quotes

Your next-door neighbor is not a man; he is an environment. He is the barking of a dog; he is the noise of a piano; he is a dispute about a party wall; he is drains that are worse than yours, or roses that are better than yours.

4 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes