Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

It's your money. You paid for it.

4 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I think war is a dangerous place.

4 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Peace Quotes

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes

A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it.

4 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn't read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female celibacy, and was guilty of other glaring pious frauds.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.

4 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Father Quotes

I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Truth Quotes

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

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Tags : Aeschylus Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wise Quotes

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Man is but mortal: and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back and-we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat-he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him;.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Your next-door neighbor is not a man; he is an environment. He is the barking of a dog; he is the noise of a piano; he is a dispute about a party wall; he is drains that are worse than yours, or roses that are better than yours.

4 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.

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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

4 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes