Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

It is obvious that all sense has gone out of modern marriage; which is, however, no objection to marriage but to modernity.

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Tags : Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

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Tags : Muhammad Ali Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sports Quotes

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

For the journalist, anything probable is gospel truth.

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Journalism Quotes

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wisdom Quotes

But you shall not escape my iambics.

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Tags : Catullus Quotes , Funny Quotes

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Years Quotes

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Food Quotes

He took the bride about the neck and kissed her lips with such a clamorous smack that at the parting all the church did echo.

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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kissing Quotes

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupid Quotes

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

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Tags : Adlai E. Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friends Quotes