Barack Obama Quotes, Funny Quotes, Nba Quotes

A sportswriter once referred to him as our future president. With a name like Kevin, I don't know whether that's possible.

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Tags : Barack Obama Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nba Quotes

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Book Quotes

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kings Quotes

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Birthday Quotes

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Successful Quotes

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nice Quotes

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

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Tags : Rudyard Kipling Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Why, except as a means of livelihood, a man should desire to act on the stage when he has the whole world to act in, is not clear to me.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mean Quotes

It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Truth Quotes

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

Man is but mortal: and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back and-we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat-he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him;.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

" ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute."

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A joke is a very serious thing.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

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Tags : Agatha Christie Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupid Quotes

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

However, it is always nice to be expected, and not to arrive.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes