Mark Twain Quotes, Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Schopenhauer Quotes , Funny Quotes , Writing Quotes

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.

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Tags : Abraham Lincoln Quotes , Funny Quotes , War Quotes

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

5 years ago

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Tags : Alanis Morissette Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.

5 years ago

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happiness Quotes

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Believe Quotes