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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.
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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Respect Quotes
- I have imbibed such a love for money that I keep some sequins in a drawer to count, and cry over them once a week.
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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- I buy expensive suits - they just look cheap on me.
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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them?
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Triumph Quotes
- Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- You can't imagine what a pleasure this complete laziness is to me: not a thought in my brain- you might send a ball rolling through it!
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Tags : Leo Tolstoy Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sloth Quotes
- A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.
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Tags : Abraham Lincoln Quotes , Funny Quotes , Success Quotes
- Wen you're a married man, Samivel, you'll understand a good many things as you don't understand now; but vether it's worth while goin' through so much to learn so little, as the charity-boy sand ven he go to the end of the alphabet, it's a matter of taste.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes
- A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
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Tags : Rudyard Kipling Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sister Quotes