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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Jealousy Quotes
- Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Anniversary Quotes
- It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sports Quotes
- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.
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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Military Quotes
- Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes
- The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes
- The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lying Quotes
- He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?
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Tags : Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes
- Poor Mr. Pickwick! ... If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, Lady Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair, and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at which Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- Who is this Baby Ruth? And what does she do?
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Baseball Quotes
- Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog, he began to bite them.
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Tags : Robert Louis Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes
- Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.
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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Truth Quotes
- ... I had a latent impression that there was something decidedly fine in Mr. Wopsle's elocution - not for old associations' sake, I am afraid, but because it was very slow, very dreary, very up-hill and down-hill, and very unlike any way in which any man in any natural circumstances of life or death ever expressed himself about anything.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Anniversary Quotes
- I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dad Quotes