Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Father Quotes

The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Father Quotes

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the name of Sloppy. The footman who communicated this intelligence made a decent pause before uttering the name, to express that it was forced on his reluctance by the youth in question, and that if the youth had had the good sense and good taste to inherit some other name it would have spared the feelings of him the bearer.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Morning Quotes

It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

5 years ago

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Tags : Jack London Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

5 years ago

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Tags : Theodore Kaczynski Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Running Quotes

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Family Quotes

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

"She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She don't like me."

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

5 years ago

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Tags : Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

5 years ago

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Writing Quotes

A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it.

5 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes