Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Military Quotes

General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Military Quotes

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Birthday Quotes

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Religious Quotes

Wen you're a married man, Samivel, you'll understand a good many things as you don't understand now; but vether it's worth while goin' through so much to learn so little, as the charity-boy sand ven he go to the end of the alphabet, it's a matter of taste.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.

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Tags : Adelle Davis Quotes , Funny Quotes , Party Quotes

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

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Tags : Jane Austen Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

Your next-door neighbor is not a man; he is an environment. He is the barking of a dog; he is the noise of a piano; he is a dispute about a party wall; he is drains that are worse than yours, or roses that are better than yours.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

Our civilization has decided that determining the guilt or innocence of men is a thing too important to be trusted to trained men. When it wants a library catalogued, or the solar system discovered, or any trifle of that kind, it uses up its specialists. But when it wishes anything done which is really serious, it collects twelve of the ordinary men standing round. The same thing was done, if I remember right, by the Founder of Christianity.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Husband Quotes

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

A sportswriter once referred to him as our future president. With a name like Kevin, I don't know whether that's possible.

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Tags : Barack Obama Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nba Quotes

All of us contain Music & Truth, but most of us can't get it out.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.

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Tags : Al Unser Quotes , Funny Quotes , Family Quotes

No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.

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Tags : Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

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Tags : Plato Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes